


wikiHow to Get a Guy to Like You

by BroImLooking



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Autistic Benrey (Half-Life), Bug Benrey, Don't Let the Tags Spook You, Getting Together, Inhuman Benrey, Minor Injuries, Other, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), im literally on the last chapter and i only now thought to add that last tag, mild body horror, this fic is mostly fluff, wikiHow as a Major Plot Point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25814635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BroImLooking/pseuds/BroImLooking
Summary: Benrey doesn't know how to flirt with humans. Their solution? Turn to the internet, of course!
Relationships: Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 183
Kudos: 683





	1. Be Confident!

**Author's Note:**

> always check end notes for content warnings <3
> 
> The WikiHow article this entire fic is based around can be found here:
> 
> https://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Guy-to-Like-You

Benrey let out a frustrated sigh as they lounged on the couch. They were lying comfortably on their back, using Tommy’s thighs as a pillow. Benrey had pretty much moved in with the man after the events of Black Mesa. Tommy had been the only member of the Science Team to welcome Benrey back from the dead after they’d clawed their way to the land of the living. 

The other’s lack of acceptance was probably due to the fact that it was the Science Team that had killed them in the first place, but they were never one to theorize. 

Anyways, they weren’t worried about that type of inconsequential nonsense. Their thoughts were consumed by one thing and one thing only: Gordon Freeman.

“I just don’t know how to get him to like me,” Benrey complained, picking at the shirt they’d borrowed from Tommy with sharp claws. Tommy was listening sympathetically, nodding his head at all of the right places. Benrey pulled their beanie down over their face. They were glad Tommy had encouraged them to seek out more comfortable things to use to hide the antennae on their head, since the beanie also had additional uses, like food storage and face hiding. 

It was hopeless! Benrey didn’t know how to interact with humans! They had too many complicated social rules for them to understand. None of their instinctual habits worked on Gordon (it turned out singing and dancing at a human was just a good way to throw them out of their house because “It’s 3AM holy fucking shit. How do you know where I live? I thought we killed you!”).

“You could--... should um… try using the internet. They have the answers to everything on there!” Tommy said encouragingly, patting Benrey on the stomach as he pulled Benrey out of their thoughts. “I’m pretty positive that he-- you and him could make things work. Humans are confusing, I can’t really… I don’t have enough experience to help you myself.” He sounded genuinely apologetic about that, as if it were his fault humans were so damn complicated. 

Benrey frowned, pulling their beanie back and uncovering their eyes. As they sat up, they chewed on their lower lip with their sharp fangs. That _was_ a good idea, and it could finally give them the edge they needed to finally win Gordon’s affections! It was probably cheating, like using a walkthrough to beat a video game, but it was all worth it to get their _ideal waifu_. 

They grabbed their phone off of the table where it was resting nearby and settled back down on the couch next to Tommy, sitting up next to him this time. They opened the browser and searched ‘how to get a guy to like me walkthrough’. They looked over the results before clicking the one that looked most trustworthy. 

_“How to Get a Guy to Like You (With Pictures)- wikiHow.”_

They quickly skimmed the steps, a small, hopeful grin spreading across their face. This should work! They showed Tommy their results, and he responded with matched enthusiasm, patting them on the head encouragingly. They could do this! They went back to step one, deciding they’d start from there and slowly start to apply what they’d learned to their interactions with Gordon.

Finally, they had a chance.

\----

_“_ **_Be confident_ ** _. You've got to show this person how awesome you are, but first you need to know how awesome you are._ _Build up your self confidence_ _if it's sorely lacking. Now, this doesn't mean you have to be loud, boisterous, arrogant, chatty, or forward. It just means getting to a place where you feel comfortable in your own skin._

_-You can be_ _secure_ _, sweet and_ _humble_ _all at the same time. But be prepared to come out of your shell. Guys like confident, interesting girls who lead their own lives._

_-The only guys who like insecure girls are the ones who are insecure themselves and want to dominate another human being. And who wants to be with a guy who wants a girl to feel bad about herself or who wants to tell you how to be all the time? That's not healthy, and you deserve much better.”_

Easy. 

They’d shown up at Gordon’s house unannounced several times, so Gordon looked less surprised and more resigned to his fate when he opened the door and saw that it was Benrey. They were dressed fashionably in an oversized Coca-Cola shirt and a pair of cute pink shorts, both of which had been bought by Tommy but ended up in their own wardrobe.

“What are you doing here?” Gordon asked suspiciously, shutting the door most of the way as if that would prevent Benrey from getting in. Benrey didn’t even bother answering his question. With minimal effort, they pushed the door open, knocking Gordon back as they entered the apartment. 

They strutted into the living room as if they owned the place and saw where Gordon had been watching television. They plopped down onto Gordon’s soft couch, trying to look as confident as possible Gordon followed after them, loudly complaining about their presence the entire time. 

“Benrey! You can’t just fucking- ugh,” Gordon wisely gave up, knowing that trying to fight Benrey was a losing batte. He sat on the couch, as far away from them as possible, seemingly resigned to his fate. Benrey couldn’t hold back their excitement. It was working! Watching shitty reality shows was something actual couples did, from what Benrey had gathered. This was definitely a step in the right direction. Gordon hardly even seemed scared of them!

Benrey remembered the rest of what the WikiHow article had told them. Feel comfortable in their own skin. 

They had gotten tired of their mostly-human facade anyways, so they gently eased off of trying so hard to keep that form stable. They grew bigger, limbs twisting in inhuman ways as they had to bend over in order to not crush their head on the ceiling. They let out a sigh of relief over the sound of Gordon screaming.

“What?” Benrey asked, blinking one of their dozens of eyes. They hadn’t even grown as much as they could, or even completely slipped into their true form! This was most like unbuttoning their pants and shirt than completely removing them. Gordon was freaking out for no reason. He’d seen them much bigger than this before!

As it was, though, Gordon had scrambled off of the couch in terror, hyperventilating. That wasn’t what they’d wanted at all! Gordon was supposed to appreciate their confidence and comfort, not be scared of their immense size and strength.

“Bro. Calm down,” Benrey complained, twisting so that they were facing Gordon completely. They let out a stream of soft blue Sweet Voice, and the moment it made contact with the human the terror was forced out of him and soothed by the cool lights. Benrey was glad they had the ability to force humans to calm, since Gordon seemed to have problems with keeping his cool around them (and not in the way that they had trouble keeping their cool around him, unfortunately). 

Gordon was still shaking and huddled, but he wasn’t on the verge of passing out or crying anymore. What a pissbaby. Benrey forced themselves back to looking a little more human, their body protesting being forced even a slight bit back into its flimsy semi-mortal facade. They wouldn’t become any more inhuman in front of him, then. 

“W-What are you doing?” Gordon choked out, shuddering as his body attempted to recover from the sudden rush of adrenaline dissipating so abruptly. He always seemed to struggle with processing Benrey’s sweet voice at times like this. As if the human body wasn’t meant to have all its natural fear and panic responses suppressed. Weird. 

“Was just getting comfortable, man,” Benrey complained. This wasn’t what the article promised would happen at all. It had said dudes _liked_ when you were comfortable in your own skin. Cautiously, Gordon returned to the couch, though he was still clearly shaken and scared. It wasn’t like Benrey had threatened him or anything! 

“You’re not gonna fucking eat me or anything, are you?” Gordon asked, eyeing Benrey’s twisting, sharp limbs with caution. Benrey snorted, shaking their head as they tucked their arms and legs closer to themselves, trying to keep mostly still since their shuddering limbs seemed to be freaking him out more than intended. Benrey would never understand humans.

“I just came over to watch T.V. with my homie, bro,” Benrey said, trying to focus on the screen and not on the way Gordon’s wavy hair looked very pretty when it wasn’t tied back in a ponytail, even as messy as it was. They wondered how soft it would be. They’d have plenty of time to find out in the future, after they and Gordon had gotten together. 

Gordon was slowly relaxing. Benrey felt a swell of giddy joy, and they let out a stream of highlighter yellow to cobalt blue (which means “I’m happy to be here with you.” Benrey was glad nobody was around to translate that gay shit). Gordon glanced over at the noise, but for once didn’t comment. It was a bit strange, but soon enough it turned into a comfortable type of silence. It was nice.

Benrey considered this a success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -Benrey-typical body horror  
> -Benrey forcefully calming Gordon down with their Sweet Voice  
> -Mild violation of boundaries (nothing serious, just Benrey entering Gordon's home without permission)
> 
> Okay, so here's the first chapter! I'm planning on there being ten of these guys, all around this length. Please drop a kudos and a comment, since that's what keeps me motivated to continue!


	2. Look Your Best!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out the end notes for content warnings, as always.

**_“Look your best._ ** _Without being fake, make an effort to look your best around the guy you like. Guys are visual creatures so looking your best will simply spin the odds in your favor. But most importantly, when you look your best you'll feel your best - giving you the confidence you need to let your awesome personality shine through._

_-A little make-up can go a long way. You don't need to color-by-number your face, but mascara opens up your eyes, lip-balm enhances your smile, concealer can cover any small insecurities, and tweezers could really help nightmare eyebrows. Just wear what you are comfortable with._

_-Dress in clothes you feel comfortable in. Don't squeeze yourself into a body-con skirt if that's not your usual style. A well-fitting pair of jeans and a top that brings out the color of your eyes is a safe but striking combo._

_-Smile a lot - research has found that people become more attractive to others when they smile, so flash those pearly whites as often as possible to look prettier, as well as friendlier and more approachable.”_

This was where things started getting harder. Benrey had never really put any thought to what they’d looked like, especially not by human standards. They had to think about it now, though. They’d gone to Tommy for help with this one, since he had a concerningly large amount of money and an endless supply of helpful optimism. 

(When Benrey had asked about where his funds had come from, Tommy had waved them off with some vague excuse involving his father’s job. Benrey decided not to press the issue). 

Benrey thought the human practice of coloring your face with makeup was strange, but apparently Tommy had taken a liking to it. He rarely wore makeup himself, but he admitted that he enjoyed watching tutorials. At the store, he helped Benrey pick out some things that he claimed would look nice or match Benrey’s style. 

Benrey was very fond of the more glittery makeups, and Tommy was happy to help them pick out colors that suited them. After getting a sizable collection of all types of things Benrey had never heard of, Tommy took them to get clothes.

This was a different beast altogether. Benrey had mostly been wearing Tommy’s clothes, which were all soft and pleasant on their skin. Aside from that, the only human clothes they’d ever worn were the ones that were required while working security, which weren’t quite as soft but were still comfortable. Benrey was quickly finding out that a lot of fabrics felt hellish against their skin, to the point where they didn’t even want to continue touching them.

“It’s um, sensory issues, is all,” Tommy explained, “It means some uh.. Textures? Will give you issues. It does that for me too.” Benrey nodded, not entirely understanding but grateful for his help all the same, as they usually were with Tommy. Eventually, they’d taken the advice from the article and picked out some tight jeans that would fit as well as a collection of soft t-shirts. 

They’d also gotten a few shirts with gamer lingo and jokes printed on the front that had made them laugh. They figured the shirts wouldn’t make them look quite as appealing to Gordon, unfortunately. Unlike Benrey, Gordon wasn’t an epic gamer, and on top of being a filthy casual he had shit taste in video games in general. 

After shopping, Benrey and Tommy planned to invite Gordon over to Tommy’s (and Benrey’s) house for the evening. Benrey took that as the perfect time to show off their new look. The clothes were surprisingly comfortable, even if the pants were a little tight. The pants showed off their ass, which they saw as a major plus. The shirt was very form-fitting and clung to their skin slightly, but in a comforting way. Like a fabric hug. 

The makeup was a different story. They watched several videos on YouTube, but they couldn’t quite get the look right. They picked and chose their favorite ideas from every video, so it came out looking a little odd. Their eyelids and lips glittered, though, and they’d mostly concealed the bags under their eyes, so they considered that an epic win. 

Mascara was scary, but the guide _had_ mentioned it specifically. They did like the effect it gave them, even if it was a little crooked. The winged look was very pretty, they decided. They weren't sure what to do for their eyebrows, though, YouTube gave conflicting advice and they weren’t sure what look they liked the best.

Before they could decide on anything, they got a message from Tommy saying that Gordon had arrived. Benrey gave themselves a quick once-over in the mirror. 

The eye shadow they’d used (they actually used two different colors since they couldn’t decide which they’d liked better) was shiny and glittery, and the mascara helped bring out their icy slit-pupiled eyes. The concealer matched their pale skin tone mostly, and the lipstick they’d used (a bright sparkly blue that they had found in the kids’ section) was fun. They found themselves liking it, surprisingly. Makeup was fun.

They put on a smile, baring their large, sharp fangs. The guide had said that would make them look prettier, so they made sure to smile as big as they could to maximize the effect. They weren’t used to emoting with their face, so it was a little awkward. They walked out of the bathroom and out to where he heard Tommy and Gordon talking, head held high and proud. 

They caught sight of Gordon, and their forced smile turned a bit more real. He was leaned casually against the counter talking to Tommy, looking comfortable and relaxed in a way he never was around Benrey. They weren’t jealous of Tommy, or anything. They just wished Gordon would calm down. Benrey had only tried to kill him a few times, and the arm amputation had been temporary! Either way, it was in the past. They brushed aside those thoughts. They needed to be confident, they remembered.

They sauntered into the room, keeping their head up and a smile on their face. Gordon glanced up at them and burst out laughing immediately. Tommy frowned at Gordon and said something, but Benrey wasn’t paying Tommy any attention. They glanced around to see if they’d missed something, their smile slowly falling. 

“Dude, what’s all over your face?” Gordon asked, walking over closer to them to get a better look. Benrey blinked a few times, confused. This wasn’t the reaction they’d expected at all! They tried to smile again, though it was a little strained.

“Uh, makeup bro. Are you stupid or something?” They wondered if they’d done it wrong somehow. The Youtube videos had assured them repeatedly that wearing makeup like this would make them desirable, and the WikiHow article had said that looking nice would make them feel nice. They weren’t feeling very nice, now.  
  
“Did a child put it on you? You look ridiculous!” Gordon said, fighting back laughter as he leaned in to inspect Benrey’s face. Benrey felt a hot wave of embarrassment rush over them that felt out of place. Normally they were glad when Gordon was laughing at something they’d done, but this felt different, for some reason. Tommy seemed to catch on to how upset Benrey was getting. 

“That- That’s not nice at all, Gordon,” Tommy scolded. Benrey stopped trying to force a smile, reaching down to rub the soft fabric of his shirt between their fingers. The clothes were fine, at least. Makeup maybe just wasn’t for them. Gordon stopped laughing, seemingly realizing that nobody else thought it was funny. 

“You look- Your makeup is very nice, Benrey,” Tommy said, trying to be encouraging as always. Benrey shrugged. It didn’t matter if Tommy liked it, if Gordon didn’t like it then there really wasn’t any point in the entire ridiculous charade.

Benrey was so focused on their shirt and trying to decipher the ugly feeling roiling inside of their body that they didn’t even notice that Gordon was so close until they felt his hand on their shoulder. They looked up, their eyes widening in surprise. Gordon was always super touchy, but he’d stopped that particular habit with Benrey a while back, around the time when Gordon started being extra mean to Benrey. They hadn’t realized how much they’d missed the casual touches until that moment.

“Look dude, I shouldn’t have...” Gordon started to say, but Benrey was hardly focused on his words, more on the warm feeling of his hand on them. It was Gordon’s right hand; the one that Benrey had gotten cut off all that time ago. There was still a jagged scar from where the G-Man had reattached it, as well as faint burn scars from where the gun had temporarily been attached to his arm. His arms weren’t super bulky, but still clearly had muscle definition. 

Benrey blinked back into focus when Gordon asked, clearly beginning to get exasperated, “Are you even listening to me?” Benrey completely blanked. They had completely forgotten what was going on.

“Wuh?” Benrey said intelligently. Gordon groaned and let them go, much to Benrey’s disappointment. 

“I was trying to say that I’m sorry for laughing. Your makeup looks nice, okay? It’s definitely very ‘you.’ I’m sorry I hurt your feelings,” Gordon said awkwardly. Benrey didn’t have to force the huge grin that came over their face this time. 

“Thaaaaanks, bro. Kinda gay to compliment your homie’s makeup. You gonna kiss me next, gayboy?” Benrey asked hopefully. Gordon snorted and pushed them away lightly, clearly not even seriously considering Benrey’s question. Benrey didn’t care though. Gordon did like their makeup! Benrey was glad, since they liked their makeup too. 

Another success! Benrey was positive Gordon would want to date them by the end of this at the rate this was going. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -mildly shaming a character for wearing makeup (he apologizes immediately after)  
> -references to canon-typical amputation and attempted killing (mentioned in passing)


	3. Make Your Presence Known!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check end notes for content warnings

“ **_Make your presence known_ ** **_._ ** _ A guy can't fancy you if he doesn't know you exist. If you haven't caught his eye yet, then _ _ get him to notice you _ _. Make sure you show a little interest and drop small hints that you like him.  _

__ _ -Most guys won't ask you out because they're afraid of getting shot down. You've got to walk before you run, right? Say "Hi". Say "Good-bye". Give a little wave. When he reciprocates, you'll know that you have his attention. _

__ _ - _ _ Introduce yourself _ _ somehow and make conversation. It's nearly impossible for someone to like you if he doesn't get to know you, unless he "likes" you for all the wrong reasons.” _

Benrey considered this. Gordon already knew they existed, definitely. They never did the greeting thing, though. And had they ever properly introduced themselves and told him their interests? They pondered the rest of that section.

The thought of Gordon secretly wanting to ask them out but not wanting to be rejected was enough to make them let out a trail of pale pink to feathery grey (pink to dove means “I’m in love.”). They slapped the orbs away, looking around out of worry that someone had seen them. Being clearly in love was cringe, and they bet even someone as nice as Tommy would give them hell for that one. 

They were sitting in Gordon’s room at the moment. They simply phased through the wall earlier, and was lounging on the bed while they waited for Gordon to come in and notice them. Gordon’s bed was soft and warm, and his pillows smelled like him.

They’d applied a little makeup again. They’d taken to wearing it semi-regularly, since they actually enjoyed the careful process and the visually appealing outcome. They were just refreshing their Reddit feed for the eighth time when the door to Gordon’s bedroom opened. 

Gordon let out a shout, dropping whatever had been in his hands to the floor with a loud clatter. 

Benrey was sure they were quite the image, wrapped up in Gordon’s blanket and clinging to their phone. They looked up at Gordon and grinned, giving him a little wave. “Hiiiii…” Benrey said, trying to sound flirty. Gordon had a look of obvious panic on his face, but he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before bending down to retrieve his phone. The screen was cracked, but not completely shattered. Well Benrey hadn’t meant to do that. That was completely Gordon’s dumbass fault. 

“Benrey. What the hell are you doing in my room?” Gordon asked, making an obvious effort to keep his shaky voice level. He greeted them back! That was exactly what Benrey was hoping for. They reached into the blanket burrito they’d been relaxing in and retrieved their slightly greasy Nintendo Switch.

“Wanna play some uh, Pokemons together? I like Pokemons. Catch ‘em all, bro,” Benrey offered, sitting up and holding their Switch out to tempt him. They hoped Gordon knew how big of a deal that was. They didn’t even let Tommy touch their Switch out of worry that someone would mess with their Pokemon or something. Gordon shook his head, looking even more annoyed.  


“Dude no, what the fuck? You can’t just come into my room and hang out without permission. That’s creepy as hell, this is supposed to be my personal space.” Oh. Gordon looked actually mad. Benrey brought the Switch back to their chest, huffing. They were never going to understand humans, least of all Gordon. 

“Don’t be a bitch, I just wanted to be comfortable. Play Pokemons together, maybe snuggle a little? Huh? You don’t wanna snuggle your homie?” Benrey asked, tilting their head. At least they’d succeeded in getting Gordon’s attention. It was far from their fantasies of snuggling up close to him under the blanket and watching him play Pokemon for hours, though. They were abruptly yanked out of their yearning by Gordon yelling at them, as usual.

“You’re not my fucking homie! Fuck man, can I go one fucking week without having to deal with you butting in and making me miserable?” Gordon continued to rant. Benrey sighed. They could never tell when something they were going to do was going to make Gordon happy or angry. Both reactions were enjoyable in their own way, but they had been really aiming for making him happy this time.

They stood up and Gordon flinched backwards, his rant stopping immediately. He really did look on the verge of freaking out. Benrey hadn’t even done anything to scare him this time! Humans were confusing. They stomped out of the room, ignoring how Gordon backed away from them out of fright. Dumbass didn’t even seem to appreciate how hard Benrey was trying! They walked into the living room and flopped onto the couch in their usual spot. “Good-bye,” Benrey said to the door after Gordon had walked into it and slammed it shut. 

Pokemon was a single player game anyways, they tried to convince themselves as they turned on the Switch. It was dead and they’d left the charger in Gordon’s room. They stared at their faint reflection in the dark screen. They let out a soft trill, orbs of Sweet Voice spilling from their mouth. 

They waved away the colors as the door to Gordon’s room opened back up. They couldn’t let him see the obvious soft pink to black (I wish you liked me back). Gordon looked at them for a few moments, and Benrey mentally prepared for another scolding when Gordon walked over and dropped a cord onto their face. Benrey recognized it immediately as their Switch charger (they’d bedazzled it to match their bedazzled Switch). 

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that, I’ve just… It’s been a long day,” Gordon said, his voice much softer and calmer now. He did look incredibly tired, Benrey noticed. And he was a little shaky. 

“S’fine bro,” Benrey said, shrugging it off. They’d heard him say worse things to them, and they knew Gordon had some issues. Previously Benrey had thought that aggression was how humans flirted and had attempted to mimic it. Tommy had to pull them aside and explain to them that that was not how humans worked. It wasn’t like they had been taught any better.

Benrey sat up on the couch and Gordon sat beside them after a few moments of deliberation. The two relaxed in awkward silence for a few moments before Gordon spoke up again.

“You did your makeup again today?” He asked awkwardly. Before Benrey could tell him what a dumb question that was, he added, “It looks really nice. Better than last I saw it, even. You’ve gotten better.” He seemed to be trying to clear the air between them.

Benrey felt the warm fuzzy feeling that normally overwhelmed them when Gordon did something cute hit them full force and they couldn’t help but sing out another soft bit of Sweet Voice proclaiming that they were in love. They had never been happier that Gordon didn’t understand Sweet Voice. Benrey proclaiming their love in their native tongue in front of him was embarrassing enough without having him know what they were saying.

“I’m guessing that was a good thing?” Gordon asked, a small smile on his pretty, tired face. Benrey wanted nothing more than to press close to him and wrap their arms around him tightly, but last time they’d tried that Gordon had screamed and shoved them away. 

“Black Mesa really fucked me up,” Gordon said, his voice turning more serious. Benrey blinked in confusion. What did Black Mesa have to do with anything? That had been months ago. Sure, it was probably scary for someone who was mortal like Gordon, but he was out now.

“But you’re not there anymore? You even got all your shit healed up,” Benrey said, trying to make their confusion apparent.

“I went to therapy again today,” Gordon said, sounding sad. Benrey tilted their head. Therapy was a human thing, and they hadn’t ever had any need in it. “I already- It’s dumb,” Gordon sighed and closed his eyes. “They already told me about it, and I even knew before, but actually going and seeking help for it is…” Benrey was still confused. That sounded worrying. 

“What are you on about, dude?” Benrey asked, trying to sound caring. They did care, but it was hard for humans to understand that. They even let out a trail of yellow to blue (“I care about you”) to really drive home the point, though Gordon didn’t understand it. 

“I went to therapy for my PTSD today,” Gordon said, sounding like he was making some dark confession. Benrey tilted their head.

“What’s that?” Benrey asked.

Now it was Gordon’s turn to look confused. Benrey shrugged. “I’m not human, remember? I don’t know what that shit means, bro, sorry,” They admitted. They did feel a little bad about it, now. It was obvious Gordon was trying to tell them something important, but they didn’t understand. 

“Post-traumatic stress disorder,” Gordan said, shrugging. “It basically means that like… Fucked up shit happened to me and now my brain is stuck on it. Nightmares and being spooked easily and shit, you know?” Gordon said. Benrey nodded, though they didn’t entirely understand. They’d do more research when they were alone.

“I try really hard not to blame you for the things that happened then,” Gordon said, giving them a forced smile. “I know that you didn’t realize entirely what you were doing, and you never meant to really hurt me. But this shit makes it harder, you know?” Benrey nodded in understanding. 

“It’s part of my therapy to address these things with people, so… Thanks, I guess,” Gordon awkwardly patted Benrey on the shoulder. Benrey was a little lost. This was a lot heavier than they’d expected, but they were glad that they were apparently helping Gordon with something. 

They stayed up a little longer, with Benrey asking questions and Gordon answering them. Gordon went to bed looking a little less upset, and Benrey took out their phone to do some more research on what Gordon had told them, as well as deciding to take his stress disorder thing into account more.

They marked this down as a success in the wooing department, though this was a bit more important than romancing him. They had a feeling this was a turning point in their friendship in general.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -Breach of boundaries (Benrey enters Gordon's room without his permission)  
> -Direct and indirect mentions of PTSD and it's signs and symptoms
> 
> starting to get a little fluffier now. please drop a comment and tell me what you think since it fuels me, etc etc


	4. Have a Good Sense of Humor!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> end notes have warnings etc etc

_ “ _ **_Have a good sense of humor_ ** **_._ ** _ Having a good sense of humor makes everything better. This doesn't mean you should be a giggling fool, laughing at everything that crosses your path, but you should try not to take yourself too seriously and always be ready with a laugh, especially when your crush is around.  _

__ _ -If you're too serious or straight-faced all the time, he may find you intimidating and unapproachable, which is the last thing you want. _

__ _ -Express your sense of humor in your own way. Some people are witty and sarcastic, others can tell hilarious stories, and many people just do quirky things and poke fun at themselves. _

__ _ -No matter what tickles your sense of humor, it's much easier to like someone who you can have a good _ _ laugh _ _ with once in a while. If you don't find something to laugh about together, then maybe you'll discover that you don't like him after all!” _

This one was easy for Benrey. They were hilarious! They did admittedly have a problem with keeping a straight face. Facial expressions were  _ hard _ . Laughing was another issue. When they laughed, they were  _ loud _ , and people generally didn’t like that. 

It was the morning after Benrey and Gordon’s long talk about what was going on with Gordon. The two were hanging out in Gordon’s living room when Benrey decided to go along with more of the guide. They were sitting on the floor by the couch (Gordon had wanted the entire couch to lay down and kicked Benrey off). Benrey leaned up and rested their head on the cushion next to where Gordon’s head was, their faces so close they were almost touching. 

Before Gordon could pull away or ask them what they were doing, Benrey took a deep breath and went, ”BBBBBBBBB!” as loud as they could. Gordon jumped up, letting out a shocked giggle. That one always startled a laugh out of him. 

“Dude why in the hell?” Gordon asked, now sitting up on the couch. He must’ve been half asleep, if the way he was rubbing his eyes were any indication. As if he hadn’t gotten enough sleep last night! Honestly, humans were annoyingly needy and squishy. They’d have to keep that in mind in the future. 

“Made you laugh, bro,” Benrey said honestly. They were still sitting on the ground with their face smushed against the couch cushion, looking up at Gordon with what they imagined was obvious adoration. Gordon didn’t seem to notice, as usual. 

“You scared the shit out of me,” Gordon complained, though he was still laughing. The two fell into silence once again. Gordon was looking at the television, and Benrey was looking at him. His hair was a little ruffled from where he was sleeping on it, and Benrey wished they could run their clawed fingers through it to fix all of the tangles. 

Benrey blinked the gay thoughts away and turned, instead looking at the television screen. When a funny scene came on, Benrey let out a cackle, which made Gordon jump.

“Was it really that funny?” Gordon grumbled as he settled back down. Benrey huffed. That was just how they laughed! They glanced back to see that Gordon was still smiling, and they smiled right back at him. 

“Why do you still always keep your hair covered, by the way?” Gordon suddenly asked. Benrey let the smile drop and shrugged. Gordon sat forward, looking curious. 

“Can I see? I don’t even know what color it is. No pressure though, dude,” Gordon said. Benrey considered it for a few moments. Gordon already knew they were inhuman, obviously, but… Benrey hadn’t ever actually shown any human their antennae. Considering how Gordon tended to respond to most of their inhuman traits (fear, mostly, mixed with disgust) they weren’t super keen on it.

But Gordon had been nicer, recently, and Gordon did just reveal something super personal about himself, so... Benrey pulled their beanie off and allowed their spiky antennae to twitch up to their full height (about six or so inches). It felt good to not have them be pressed down all the time. Gordon looked at the feelers closely, leaning in very close to Benrey’s face.

He reached out and took one of the segmented appendages in his hand, and Benrey was instantly hit by an overwhelming tidal wave of sensory input. They let out an undignified grunt and yanked their head back, but Gordon’s grip was too tight and they only succeeded in wrenching the poor antenna out of its socket. Gordon quickly let it go, but the damage was done. The appendage dropped to the floor, leaking black blood.

Ow. That had hurt a lot, actually. 

“Holy shit- I’m so fucking sorry Benrey, holy shit. Is there anything I can do?” Gordon asked anxiously, but Benrey was busy holding their hand against where their antenna had been and trying not to cry. They didn’t need to breathe, but they were forcing themselves to.

They found themselves suddenly pulled into a warm embrace, and it was almost enough to distract them from the excruciating dizzying pain they’d experienced from losing a major sensory organ. Gordon was hugging them. Holy shit. 

They pulled their hand away from their wound (it had stopped bleeding already, staining their hand inky black) and sunk into the hug gratefully. Holy shit, again. Gordon’s arms were firm, but his body was otherwise soft and comfortable. He was also incredibly warm, especially to Benrey, who lacked the ability to thermoregulate without an outside heat source. 

They shut their eyes as the world spun around them. Directions stopped making sense entirely, now. Stupid fucking cringe ass antennae. At least they were getting a hug out of it. The world swooped as Gordon pulled away, trying to urge them up onto the couch. Benrey kept slipping and moving the wrong way, so Gordon practically shoved them down onto the cushions. 

“Fuck man, are you okay? Oh my God, I’m the biggest dick in the world. Is there a way to reattach it?” Oh, Gordon was still talking. Benrey let out a stream of vibrant green to white (lime to white means “I’m alright”), but Gordon didn’t seem to understand. Nerd ass. 

Benrey shook their head, which was a mistake. They were having a really hard time holding onto this physical form now, but they needed to stay like this so that they could heal. They struggled for a few moments, trying to form the human words. 

“Bro it’s Gucci. Just gimme a few hours, it’ll grow back,” they managed. Opening their eyes was dizzying, but it was worth it to see Gordon… Oh. He was crying. Gordon rested his hand on Benrey’s stomach, and Benrey grabbed his wrist. Gordon let out a noise of confusion, but Benrey just grinned, running their finger over the rough scar from where his hand had been reattached. 

“Yoooo,” Benrey slurred out, baring their teeth in a grimace that they hoped at least resembled a smile. “We’re even now, brooo…” They trailed off. After a few moments, Gordon started laughing. And crying. He hugged Benrey once again, unable to speak through his borderline hysterical laughter. 

Benrey’s antennae grew back within the hour. Gordon made it up to Benrey by ordering them a pizza and finally agreeing to play Pokemon with them. 

They didn’t cuddle, but Gordon was comfortable enough with Benrey leaning against him while he played.

There were a few mishaps along the way, but this was Benrey’s biggest success yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -Significant (but temporary) injury to a major sensory organ  
> -Understandable panic after accidentally severely injuring a friend  
> -References to past canon-typical amputation
> 
> i appreciate all of the encouraging comments ive been getting so fucking much, guys! please keep them coming, they genuinely make my day :,)


	5. Make it Clear You're Availiable!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings this time :3

**_“Make it clear you're available._ ** _ A guy is not going to hit on you if he thinks you're taken, so it's your job to make it clear that you are single and ready to mingle.  _

__ _ -If you have a Facebook account and he's not already in your friends list, invite him; just make sure your status is set as single! _

__ _ -You should also make it obvious in other subtle ways, such as hanging out with your girlfriends in a place where you know he'll be, dropping subtle hints about not knowing who to go with to an event, etc. _

__ _ -Letting your friends in on the situation is probably a good idea - they can help strategize to get the two of you together, and also diffuse any awkward situations. They also know where you stand on the relationship front and won't start falling for him themselves.” _

A lot of this tip confused Benrey. Facebook was for boomers, so they chose to ignore that. They didn’t have any girlfriends, either. If they had a girlfriend they probably wouldn’t be looking for a boyfriend, right? And wasn’t the point of this to prove that they didn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Stupid guide. 

The last point also wasn’t much help, since they already used Tommy to try to deescalate things anyways. They paused, thinking. The rest of it could be useful, they supposed. They would try to emphasize to Gordon that they were “single and ready to mingle” if that’s what it took. The guide hadn’t let them down so far. 

They were back at Tommy’s house. He’d been very upset with Gordon for tearing one of Benrey’s antennae, and despite Benrey’s protests, he’d gotten into an argument with Gordon. Apparently, Tommy didn’t believe that Gordon hurting them was an accident. 

It was dumb. Sure, Gordon had hurt and even killed them in the past, but things really were different between them. Gordon no longer thought Benrey was out to kill him, and Benrey realized that Gordon wasn’t as big of a fan of their jokes as they’d thought. 

So now Benrey was stuck at Tommy’s house, and Tommy had very firmly insisted that the two wouldn’t be allowed to be alone together for a while. Which was a little lame, but the Wikihow article did say to keep a friend around. Fine. Benrey would’ve put up more of a fuss over Tommy ordering them around if they didn’t know that it came from a place of serious anxiety. 

“Can I invite Gordon over?” Benrey asked, crunching on a bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos with their sharp teeth. Tommy frowned at them, clearly putting thought into it. 

“F-- Yes, but no uh, fucking maiming each other?” Tommy asked. Benrey thought that was ridiculous. So what, they get each others' limbs cut off one time and now    
Tommy is worried about repeats? Benrey shrugged off their indignation and took out their phone once more.

They text Gordon, _‘yooo wana come over lol.’_ Simple, elegant, and to the point. They got the little symbol to show that Gordon had read the text immediately, but it took Gordon a while to respond. 

_‘Isn’t Tommy still mad at me for ripping off one of your little feeler things?’_ Gordon responded. “Little feeler things.” God he was so fucking stupid. Benrey wanted to kiss him so bad. 

_‘nahh its chill. he saus he wants 2 watch us tho so that we dont hurt each other aain lol,’_ Benrey responded. If Tommy’s dumb rule kept Gordon from wanting to hang out with them then they’d be pretty upset. Luckily, though, Gordon responded with agreement, though he’d be over a little later since he had therapy soon.

Now Benrey just had to get ready. They went to their pile of clothes and picked around in it for something pretty to wear. They eventually settled on a soft black shirt and small black shorts. It showed a bit more of their hairy legs than they usually did, but they had the faint hope that maybe Gordon would notice and respond positively. 

They put on a bit of eyeliner, but decided to skip the rest of their makeup routine. They actually brushed their hair today as well, since they were going without the hat. Their new antenna needed room to settle in properly, so they’d been forced to go without wearing the hat. They still carried it with them, of course. It was comforting to have just in case.

Gordon showed up a couple hours after, bringing snacks. Benrey could tell that he was really just trying to apologize still (they spotted several of their favorite snacks there), but they weren’t about to call him out on it. He seemed happy and relaxed. It was a good look on him.

Soon they settled in, sitting on the couch together. Gordon even let Benrey sit next to him, and they got comfortable as Tommy put on some movie that he had decided they were going to watch. Normally the movie was actually discussed, but it was clear that Tommy was a bit pissy over the antenna incident, so neither Gordon nor Benrey pressed the issue.

  
Benrey remembered the tip they were supposed to be following, so a few minutes into the movie they spoke up and said,”I wish I had a boyfriend, haha,” when there were two characters kissing on screen. Gordon shot them a glare, and Tommy stubbornly ignored them. 

“Dude, what? Be quiet and watch the movie,” Gordon grumbled, turning his focus back. 

“Being single is such sucks, though,” Benrey complained. They figured that was enough pressing that particular issue. 

“That’s relatable and all, dude, but can we get back to watching this? I’ve missed like five minutes of plot,” Gordon complained, nudging them with his elbow. After a few minutes of comfortably watching some people talk on screen, Benrey rested their head on Gordon’s shoulder. Surprisingly, the man didn’t protest, and even shifted a little so that Benrey was more comfortable.

Benrey closed their eyes, savoring the moment. Gordon was so close, and warm, and-

Their thoughts were cut off by Gordon’s arm wrapping around them casually. Benrey let out a sudden burst of Sweet Voice (pink to dove- now a normal occurrence around Gordon) and hid their face in his shoulder. They were a mess. Tommy didn’t translate like he usually did around Gordon, thank fuck. 

They stayed like that for the rest of the movie, warm and so giddy they could hardly keep from kicking their feet or flapping their hands. Eventually, though, Gordon said that he needed to get up and use the bathroom. 

When he left Benrey and Tommy alone, Tommy caught his attention with a knowing smile. Benrey was glad that he wasn’t angry anymore, at least. 

“You’re--... You and Gordon have been closer than- than two peas in a pod,” Tommy said, slightly teasing. Benrey nodded, unable to hide their smile. 

“That shitty fuckin’… WikiHow article is working. Shit’s fire,” Benrey said, kicking their feet happily now that Gordon wasn’t there to see them do it. “‘M gonna smooch him so hard, man…” Benrey mumbled, wrapping their arms around themself. Just the thought made them giddy, and they once again let out a soft trill of Sweet Voice proclaiming how in love they were. 

“Y--… Um, That serious, huh?” Tommy asked, still giving them an encouraging smile despite his slightly teasing tone. Benrey nodded, feeling a little flustered. It all suddenly felt more  _ real _ . They’d been pining after Gordon since they’d first met him back in Black Mesa, and now they were starting to get genuinely hopeful. 

They didn’t get the chance to answer, since Gordon walked back into the room and took his place sitting right next to Benrey, and Benrey didn’t hesitate to go right back to cuddling with him, unable to keep from kicking a little from happiness when he pulled them a little closer. 

This was a definite success. Benrey was positive that they would get together soon, as long as they stuck to the guide. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> getting a little fluffier in here, huh? 
> 
> there may be a day or two delay for the next few chapters, but nothing's too sure! school started back for me recently, and i havent been able to write as much.
> 
> please drop a comment to tell me what you think!


	6. Be Flirty!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know the drill. end notes for warnings.

Benrey decided to skip the next section of the article, since it was just “ _ Get to Know One Another _ ,” and they already were super close epic friends with Gordon. That just left one section remaining, but it was the one Benrey had been most anxious about.

**_Part 3: Making the Next Move._ **

In the previous section, it had all been things that Benrey could play off as a joke if Gordon reacted poorly. Now, though, they were getting into the serious parts. They needed to try extra hard to follow these steps. They’d come this far, and would be very upset if they fucked it up here. 

**_“Be flirty._ ** _ Once the two of you have got to know one another and are frequently hanging out, you can start to kick things up a gear. Show the guy that you're interested in being more than just friends by flirting with him - it might be just the sign he's been waiting for to ask you out. _

_ -Smile. Make sure to smile whenever you see the guy - this lets him know that you're happy to see him. Even if he's in a group of people, reserve the biggest smile for him. _

_ -Make eye contact. Making eye contact is an essential flirting technique. One great tip is to look at him from across the room, then once he catches you looking hold his gaze for a moment before smiling and looking away. He'll be hooked. _

_ -Make physical contact. Another great flirting technique is to touch the guy in a more-than-friends kinda way. Lightly brush his arm when you're talking, give him a hug when you greet him, or gently mess his hair when you're joking around. This will give him the "I'm interested" vibe pretty quickly.” _

This was good detail, Benrey thought. It had been a couple days since they’d last seen Gordon in person, since he’d been busy with dumb human things like “therapy,” so Benrey was excited to finally be able to really get into the serious parts of things. They were so close...

They were admittedly nervous about a few of the specifics of what the article was telling them, though.

They had already tackled their issues with emoting with their face, but they’d really have to play the smiling up even more, now. Gross. Another thing: was eye contact really that necessary? It usually made them feel anxious and uncomfortable, even when it was with Gordon or one of their other friends. Eye contact was gross, but they’d power through it. It’d be worth it in the end. Hopefully. 

The last point was still anxiety-inducing, but it also made Benrey excited. They’d been wanting to get their hands on Gordon’s hair for a while now, and this was the perfect time. They bet that it would be soft and silky, since Gordon did tend to take good care of it. 

At least, he took good care of it when he wasn’t all sad and shit. Benrey remembered that his hair had been kinda gross for a while after he’d gotten out of Black Mesa. Benrey wasn’t around for most of it, since they’d been dead at the time, but according to Tommy he hadn’t been doing very great.

Something about his stress disorder, Benrey assumed. They hoped Gordon wouldn’t object too much to them dropping by. They brought a small bag of supplies that would help them with their plans, in case they needed some help. They always needed some help.

Disappointingly, despite the late hour, Gordon wasn’t home. They let themselves in (easy, when they could pass through solid objects at will) and began to roam around Gordon’s house. They set the bag they’d brought down next to the couch and stole a bag of chips to snack on, scrolling through various apps as they did so.

They weren’t sure exactly how long they were there, but it had been bright outside when they arrived, and Gordon only arrived when it was nearly completely dark. Benrey perked up when they saw him, but Gordon didn’t seem to share their enthusiasm. 

He seemed tired and nervous. He was clutching the plastic grocery bags in his hands tightly, and he visibly startled when he saw Benrey sitting on his couch.

Deciding to be helpful, they put on a smile as they walked over to take some of the bags from his hands. Gordon gave them a tight smile back and thanked them in an equally strained voice. Benrey took the majority of the bags, since they didn’t struggle with heavy weights like that at all. 

“Are you good, homie? You’re lookin’ a little, um…” Benrey trailed off as Gordon walked past them, setting the bags he still had down on the counter. Benrey followed his lead, confused and a little worried. Gordon didn’t seem happy at all. He didn’t answer their question beyond nodding his head abruptly and beginning to put away the food. He was shaking. 

Benrey didn’t exactly believe him, but decided not to press it. They’d been over enough times and had taken enough food to know where things went, so they helped him despite the tense, awkward silence. They leaned in to try to hug him, like the guide had suggested, but Gordon gently pushed them away, looking uncomfortable and annoyed.

Benrey didn’t know how to deal with this. Just a few days before Gordon had been happy and sociable with them. Was it the few days apart? As they stewed in their thoughts, Gordon walked through the house, turning every light on. They didn’t follow him, and instead returned to their usual spot on the living room couch, nursing their hurt feelings and trying to figure out how to fix this. 

Gordon didn’t sit down next to them until he was apparently satisfied with driving up his power bill. He was holding a heavy-looking blanket in his arms. 

“What’s with all the lights?” Benrey asked, scooting closer to Gordon in hopes of maybe stealing some cuddles. Gordon shot them a glare and they stopped, realizing that cuddling was definitely not on the table tonight. He looked like he was going to cry, and Benrey felt increasingly worried as Gordon wrapped the blanket he’d retrieved around himself tightly. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Gordon said sharply, reaching for the remote and turning on the television. His hands were shaking badly. Benrey wasn’t satisfied with this answer, so they pressed on.

“Come oooon, bro. You’re clearly bothered by somethin’. You can tell your best friend Benrey anything.” They grinned, trying to make eye contact. Gordon seemed even more annoyed by this. 

“I said drop it, okay? Why are you even here? You should’ve texted me,” Gordon said, turning the show that was on up, clearly trying to tune Benrey out and not really being interested in their answer. That hurt, a little. They had been doing so good! They were just worried about him. 

“I just wanted to hang, bro, don’t be such a bitch,” Benrey said loudly, spitting out red and green lights with a sharp note (red to green means “stop being mean.”). Gordon’s hands clenched tightly around the remote that he was still holding, but didn’t respond.

Benrey sighed and leaned back, trying to relax. Beside them, Gordon was an angry, fidgety ball of nerves. Suddenly, they had a realization.

“Oh, is this part of your fuckin’... Stress disorder thing?” Benrey said abruptly. Gordon closed his eyes tightly and nodded, pressing mute on the television and plunging the two into abrupt silence, broken only by Gordon’s loud, ragged breathing. 

Gordon took a deep, shaky breath, calming himself down. “I got held up in line at the store. Somebody was being a dick to the cashier, so it took a lot longer than I expected to leave. The store wasn’t too far, so I didn’t bring my car. I had to walk back in the dark, and…” He swallowed. After a few moments of heavy silence, Gordon turned to Benrey, a look of deep hurt and grief on his face. 

“Do you understand how badly you hurt me, Benrey?” Gordon asked, his voice shaky but firm. Benrey’s mind struggled to catch up for a few moments, trying to connect the pieces. Gordon waited expectantly as Benrey struggled to come up with a response, a heavy sinking feeling settling in their stomach. 

“Is this about the hand thing?” Benrey asked, glancing down at the jagged scar on Gordon’s arm. He’d been scratching at it. Not hard enough to break the skin, but enough to make it red and irritated. Gordon looked away, and Benrey was left floundering, trying to come up with a proper response.

“I’ve been through a lot of shit now, Benrey, but being held down and having my hand sawed off by a knife was probably one of the worst. I couldn’t even see--” Gordon was cut off by a sob. He dropped the remote he was still holding and wrapped his hand around the area his injury had been. Benrey understood, now. The dark reminded him of that. 

They sat there next to him, waiting for him to regain his composure. It was hard to watch, honestly, and Benrey felt a harsh wave of guilt. They’d really fucked up, hadn’t they? Sure, they hadn’t exactly realized the ramifications of what they’d done in the moment, but that wasn’t an excuse. Far from it. 

They gently sang out calming blue to Gordon, and his sniffles slowly died down. He was still clearly distressed, but he seemed back in the moment. After Gordon seemed calm enough (he’d stopped literally having a panic attack, at least), Benrey spoke up.

“I did hurt you,” they said, trying really hard to show how much they really meant how they felt. It was always hard for them to express themselves. “I um…” They trailed off. They were never really good at human words. They turned their head upward and sang out a trail of cool brown lights that hovered in the air lazily. Brown like silt means “I feel guilt.” 

“It was pretty uh, fucked up, what I did to you. I don’t really have any excuse, do I? I fucked up bad, and you’re the one who’s gotta deal with that. It’s not fair for you,” Benrey said the last sentence in a huff. 

“I’m sorry, and I promise I won’t ever hurt you again. Never ever. Pinky promise,” They swore, holding out their clawed little finger shakily in Gordon’s direction. Gordon hesitated for a few moments, before reaching out and wrapping his pinky around theirs. 

“I know I said I don’t blame you, before, a couple days ago,” Gordon said after a few moments. Their fingers were still linked, and he was staring intently at where they were joined as though it were the most interesting thing in the world. “But I do. I don’t want to, but… It’s so hard, you know, man? I feel so angry, but I want to forgive you,” He said sadly. “I do care about you, Benrey.” He pulled his hand away, but Benrey kept theirs sitting where it was, feeling a little stunned, but in a muted sort’ve way. 

“You should blame me,” Benrey insisted, after they processed everything. “One hundred percent. You should totally blame me. What I did was fucking… Lame as shit. Fucking big oof on my part. But I’m never gonna do anything to fuck you over again. You can forgive me, but you still gotta hold me… Uh…”

“Accountable?” Gordon suggested lightly, a ghost of a smile crossing his lips.   
  
“That’s the bitch,” Benrey said triumphantly, before trying to go back to being serious, remembering the situation. Gordon cracked a real smile at that. He looked much more calm, now. It seemed talking really did help him, even if it was with the person that fucked him up in the first place.

“So um… The dark gives you issues? Is there anything else?” Benrey asked carefully. They wanted to know what exactly to avoid around him. They wanted to be better. Gordon scratched at his shitty (cute) beard as he thought about it.

“You mean my triggers? I haven’t really…” Gordon trailed off, shrugging. “I’ll text them to you later, okay? I don’t really want to think about it right now,” Gordon said. Benrey was fine with that. Gordon let out a deep sigh, unwrapping the heavy blanket from around himself and instead setting it on his lap. It looked surprisingly heavy. Benrey recognized it as a weighted blanket, since Tommy had one. 

“So…” Gordon said awkwardly. “What are you doing here, anyways. Just came to… Hang out?” Benrey suddenly remembered their plan and retrieved their bag of goodies from where it was sitting on the floor next to them.

“I wanted to try braiding your hair. Can I please, sir?” Benrey asked pleadingly, trying to be extra polite. Gordon rolled his eyes but nodded, much to their excitement. Benrey wiggled happily as Gordon turned away from him, still covered by the blanket, sitting cross-legged on the couch.

Benrey pulled a comb out of their bag, as well as an elastic, and got to work. 

First they had to free Gordon’s hair from the ponytail it was in. They didn’t bother trying to fight it and risk pulling it out of his hair, and instead chose to snap it with a sharp claw. They ran their fingers through his now freed hair, reveling in the soft feeling. They wouldn’t use the comb, they decided, instead brushing out the tangles with their talons. 

It was such a nice sensation, Benrey realized. They ran the strands through their fingers, distracted from their task by the sheer joy that the feeling brought them. Their own hair was nothing like this, since they were biologically closer to an insect than a human. Gordon didn’t seem to mind either. He was still tense and a little fidgety, but nothing at all like he’d been before, and he even let out a happy sound when Benrey lightly scratched his scalp.

Benrey did eventually remember they were supposed to be braiding, and they set to work. It was a little awkward, since they’d never done it before, but after starting over a few times they managed a twin pair of braids that were barely even crooked. It was cute.

Sitting behind Gordon like this was so tempting, Benrey realized. They had the perfect vantage point to wrap their arms around him and bury their face into his back. They wondered how Gordon would react to that. Would he like it? He’d be so warm… Before they could decide whether or not they wanted to try, Gordon looked back at them. 

“Are you done?” He asked, a small smile on his lips. Benrey couldn’t respond, so they just nodded dumbly. It was a  _ really _ cute look on him. They were so screwed. All this tip had succeeded in doing was making  _ Benrey _ flustered, instead of the desired other way around. 

Gordon shifted, turning to sit back onto the couch normally. Benrey remembered with a bolt of clarity that hugging was specifically mentioned in the WikiHow article, and they leaned in, wrapping their arms around him from an awkward side angle. He was so warm… 

Gordon tensed, but hugged them back once he realized what was happening. The angle was strange, but it felt nice. 

“What’s this all about?” Gordon asked, sounding a little amused. Benrey felt many answers bubbling up inside of them. They just wanted to touch him. They were following what the article was saying. It just felt right. But what they said was--

“I’m sorry,” Benrey said once again, burying their face into Gordon’s shoulder. Because that was the real reason, wasn’t it? Sure, all of those other things were true, but they just felt so _ bad _ . They wanted Gordon to know that they knew they’d done wrong, so that he’d know they’d get better. 

“It’s okay, Benrey,” Gordon said, patting them. “You’re actually helping me cope with all of this, so it evens out, I think? I’ve been kind’ve withdrawing from everyone, but you keep inviting me over to your and Tommy’s place and coming over here to keep me company, and talking to me about all of this… It helps me a lot more than you realize.” Gordon shifted, pulling away a little. Benrey leaned back to give him space, if that was what he wanted. 

“There’s another way you can help me, too. Could you come sit on my lap?” Benrey felt a wave of…  _ Something _ wash over them. They weren’t sure if it was a good something or not. At their obvious shock, Gordon turned red and quickly shook his head. 

“No no, nothing like that. Not sexual at all. I just found that pressure really helps me relax, it’s why I have this blanket,” Gordon said, clearly flustered. Benrey mumbled something out, still a little shaken, but consented. They carefully climbed into Gordon’s lap. Benrey was normally shorter than Gordon, but now, sitting on his legs, they were perfectly eye level. Their eyes met his and they froze up, feeling like a deer caught in headlights. They could so easily kiss him… 

Their mind blanked for a few moments, unsure of what to do, but Gordon guided them to rest their head on his shoulder and leaned the seat of the couch back so that Benrey was pressing him to the seat. It could’ve been sexual, but strangely, it wasn’t. Benrey just felt warm and content. 

“This is kinda gay,” Benrey observed, but made no effort to move. “Is this helping?” Gordon chuckled underneath him, and Benrey fell a little more in love. They were glad Gordon couldn’t see their undoubtedly stupid expression. They were so cringe.

“The pressure helps with my anxiety, dumbass,” Gordon said, with no real heat to his voice. “I normally use the weighted blanket, but actual physical contact with another person helps a lot, too. So this is like, double relief.” Benrey was satisfied with that. Gordon was comfortable, and holy shit, Benrey was in his lap, on top of him, being cuddled.

Definite success. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -In-depth discussion of PTSD and the events that caused them
> 
> I think that's all that needs tagged? If there's anything else, please drop a comment.
> 
> Sorry for such a long gap bewteen updates! The fic is officially done, though! No more long waits. Back to regularly scheduled programming <3
> 
> Tell me what you think! This chapter was fun to write :>


	7. Text Him!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would you believe me if i told you that there are warnings in the end notes

**_“Text him._ ** _ If you have his number (if you don't, you should ask for it) you can text him things throughout the day to let him know you're thinking of him. You can send funny or flirty texts and if he replies with the same, you'll know you're on the right track. _

_ -For example, if he has a sports game or exam coming up, you could text to wish him good luck. He'll hopefully find this sweet and appreciate the fact that you remembered. _

_ -However, you should also be sure not to overdo it. Remember the rule: if you send two consecutive texts without getting a reply, you should stop texting. It needs to be reciprocal.” _

Benrey still had a lot to think about from what had happened the day before. Gordon sent them home, telling them that he had therapy in the morning and that he’d need some alone time after that. 

So they had taken up residence on the soft couch in Tommy’s living room, singing softly to themselves. It was a comfortable way to vent their emotions, especially when they knew they were alone in the house. Mostly it was soft, lovey-dovey colors, but a few tinges of guilt and worry tinged the slowly forming mass of light that floated above them. 

Tommy was out somewhere (Benrey had no clue where), so they couldn’t even count on him for advice. They fidgeted with their phone for a few moments, before finally deciding to bite the bullet and text him.

‘yooo dude. feetman. whats up? u never sent me ur list of fucked up if true shit,’ Benrey typed out. According to the rules from WikiHow, they were only allowed to text twice without an answer. They decided to wait to see if Gordon responded for a while before messaging him again.

After about five minutes, just when Benrey was about to cave and text him again, he responded, ‘Oh yeah lol. Youre not gonna be a dick abt this are you?’ Benrey huffed. Okay, sure, they were kind’ve an ass, but they’d hoped that Gordon would have more faith in them. Before they could respond, Gordon sent another message himself. 

‘That was mean i trust u. Ok heres the list of things i know give me issues’ Gordon attached an image that looked like a screenshot of his Notes app. There was no title, just a small series of bullet points. 

“-Darkness (worst one)

-small objects being thrown

-deep water (even pictures + esp. if the water is dirty)

-skeletons(?)

-elevators

-benrey being big and monster-y”

Benrey frowned at the last bullet point, unsure of how to feel about that one. They weren’t angry at Gordon for being scared of their true form, but they were admittedly a little hurt. The fact that half of the objects on his list were directly caused by Benrey was not a great realization. After a few minutes, they realized that they needed to respond.

‘aight bro, ill keep that in mind lol.’ They typed, trying to keep things lighthearted. No response. They set their phone down on the table. Alright. This was fine! They could deal with this. They’d kept their true form mostly concealed, though admittedly they had been a little more lax about occasionally slipping a little bit around Gordon.

No wonder he’d been so scared. 

Whatever, it was fine now. They hadn’t known, and they wouldn’t do it around him again. Their singing had taken on a decidedly duller tone, with much more silt-brown mixing in than it had before. They heard the click-clacking of claws on the wooden floor, and they abruptly shut up as Sunkist entered the room.

The massive, nearly six foot tall artificial golden retriever looked at them with suspicion, before responding to their singing with a soft hum of her own, a questioning trail of cool grey (“Are you okay?”). Benrey shrugged, and the dog jumped onto the couch next to them.

“I thought Tommy took you with him,” Benrey mumbled as they began to run their hands over her fur, more appreciating the texture than actually petting her. As the perfect dog, Tommy had engineered her to have wonderful feeling fur that never shed or smelled bad. Sunkist didn’t respond to that, instead choosing to lay down partially in their lap, pinning them in place. 

Right. Perfect dog. She was just doing her job of comforting people in distress. Benrey wondered if Gordon would appreciate a dog like this. Not Sunkist, obviously, since she was Tommy’s, but surely other dogs could be trained to be this sweet, right? They were pretty sure they’d heard about that somewhere before. 

Their phone buzzed and they picked it up once again. Gordon had sent a thumbs up emoji. Benrey frowned, wondering how to respond. It was time for a subject change, obviously, but… They grinned, getting an idea. 

‘send feet pics?’ They texted. Immediately, they got the notification the text had been read. They didn’t know how he’d respond, honestly. Last time they’d brought up Gordon’s feet they’d been killed a few hours later, which wasn’t really encouraging.

Gordon started typing, and after several minutes of presumably not knowing what to say, he sent, ‘Did you seriously just go from talking about my mental health to talking about my feet??’ Before Benrey could respond, Gordon sent an image. 

He was wearing shoes, but it definitely was still a picture of his feet. Nice. Alongside the image, he sent the text, ‘Fuck you,’ but Benrey could tell he was amused. Double nice. They let out a stream of happy Sweet Voice, which floated lazily upwards towards the ceiling. All of the other lights had faded, which just left the happy colors alone, suspended in the air. 

Sunkist, who was still partially on top of them, let out a huff that sounded suspiciously like a laugh.

“What?” They asked, nudging her. She let out a stream of bright colors, which dulled to grey before vanishing (rainbow to grey means “You are gay.”). They snorted and nudged her, but didn’t disagree, since arguing with a dog would be a little cringe. Benrey continued to text Gordon well into the night, chatting about video games and occasionally being a little flirty, and Gordon responded to both with amusement.

It was a nice day, actually. Benrey should text Gordon more when they were apart.

Epic win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -brief discussion of PTSD and direct discussion of triggers  
> -foot fetish joke (i was legally only allowed to put one in :/)
> 
> Please leave a comment telling me what u think!


	8. Invite Him To Hang Out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings this time

**_“Invite him to hang out._ ** _ If the two of you have only been hanging out in group situations or in more formal settings (like school or work) until now, it might be time to invite him somewhere on his own. It doesn't need to be a three-course dinner in a fancy restaurant; it could be something as simple as coffee or the mall. _

_ -If he says yes, that's a pretty sure indication that he's interested in you, or at least that he really enjoys your company. Take it as a positive sign and enjoy it. Just try not to let things get awkward - you're just two friends having a good time, right? _

_ -If he says no, don't freak out too much. He may genuinely have another commitment, or he may just feel too shy around you to hang out one-on-one. Give it some more time, then try again. If he says no a second time, you might have to face the fact that he's not interested.” _

Benrey took a deep, unneeded breath as they stared down at the text message they were ready to send.

‘yo dude, wanna go shopping with me ? tommy gave me a credit card n told me 2 go nuts lol.’ It would be so easy just to send it, but they were starting to get into risky territory here. They were pretty sure that asking him like this could be seen as going on a date. 

When Benrey had discussed this tip with Tommy, they’d been given a credit card and told to go shopping with Gordon for clothes and things, since apparently only owning two outfits and stealing Tommy’s clothes most of the time wasn’t ideal for them. 

They hit send and immediately set their phone to the side, not wanting to just stare at the screen anxiously the entire time. They stood up and stretched, bones cracking loudly as they shifted back into their proper places. They’d been sitting in an odd position for a while, and their approximation of a human body had started to shift around on the inside. 

They stretched a little more, allowing themselves to grow bigger and fill more space. They dropped to their hands and knees and continued to grow larger until their back touched the ceiling. The room was large and mostly clear for the sole purpose of allowing Benrey to stretch out sometimes. It was relaxing. They let out a deep sigh of relief, but was quickly cut off by their phone buzzing. 

They sprouted a pair of smaller arms to pick it up, and brought it up to their face so that they could read it. It was a text from Gordon, of course.

‘Idk dude, might be busy.’ They let out a disappointed sigh and set the phone back down abruptly. It was fine! The article had warned them this might happen. They nudged the furniture further out of the way so that they could comfortably lay down, curling up in a massive ball. They looked up when they heard footsteps, and saw that it was only Tommy. 

If the man was surprised to see Benrey much bigger and harder to comprehend than normal, he didn’t show it. “Has Gordon, um, responded yet? To you asking him out?” He asked, walking over and sitting on the couch that had been moved up against the wall. Benrey let out a sad huff, singing out a trail of orange, flickering lights.

“Hmm… Oh! Um, Orange like burning means, ‘I am yearning.’” Tommy looked at them sympathetically. “Aw, Benrey…” Benrey felt a prickle of embarrassment, waving the lights away. 

“He’s so cringe… I want to cuddle him so bad, dude. It’s making my chest hurt,” Benrey confessed, closing all several hundred of their eyes tightly. “Fucking nerd said that he’s busy… Hate it here…” They knew they were moping, but they also knew Tommy wouldn’t judge. Their phone buzzed again and they’d snatched it up before it had even fully registered. Gordon had messaged again.

‘Actually yeah, I do want to go shopping with you. Do you want me to come by and pick you up?’ Benrey couldn’t properly shake themselves out to show how happy they were due to their current size, but they did let out a chaotic stream of lights proclaiming their joy. 

They began to force themselves back into their human form, deciding that they’d had enough relaxing time. They typed back a simple ‘ye. pog,’ and hopped up, swaying a bit as their newly reformed joints protested. Tommy was looking at them with amusement. 

“I t--... Uh, Did he change his mind?” Tommy asked, grinning with his little sharp teeth. Benrey nodded excitedly. 

“I gotta go get all pretty, dude… Gotta really impress him… Maybe when we’re done we can go back to his place n’ cuddle…” Benrey said, flapping their hands a little in excitement at the thought, trying to calm down a little. Ever since they’d gotten their first taste of Gordon’s physical affection they hadn’t been able to get their mind off of it. 

They didn’t bother to wait for Tommy’s reply. They had to get ready. They decided to go with something casual, but still cute. An epic gamer shirt and jean shorts was nice enough, right? They rushed their makeup a bit, smudging their eyeliner some, but they were too excited to correct it.

When they got the message that Gordon was on his way, they excitedly paced around the house, unable to contain their energy. They were so wrapped up in their own thoughts (what if Gordon kissed them what if he told them he loved them what if--) that they somehow missed when Gordon actually arrived.

They walked into the living room to see Tommy talking to Gordon, looking uncharacteristically serious. It almost looked like he was purposely being scary. Whatever he was doing was working, because Gordon definitely looked intimidated. When Tommy spotted Benrey, he stepped away from Gordon and smiled with his usual cheerful attitude. 

Benrey decided not to question it. Social situations weren’t their strong suit, so they probably just missed something obvious, and they’d look dumb if they asked. They walked over to Gordon, putting on their biggest smile. Gordon glanced nervously at Tommy before smiling back. Benrey suddenly remembered part of the tip from a few days ago, and decided that it wouldn’t hurt to be applied here.

They wrapped their arms around Gordon without warning. Gordon seemed a bit startled at first, but hugged him back after a few moments.

“Um, hi?” He asked, sounding more amused than anything. “You must’ve really missed me.” Benrey closed their eyes, savoring the moment. They couldn’t explain the ache in their chest, but it both hurt more and felt better like this.

“Yeah bro. Don’t be weird about it, though,” Benrey said, forcing themselves to step away. Gordon was smiling, now, most of his previous nervousness gone. He still looked a little tired and fidgety, but it was worlds better than how he’d looked last time Benrey had seen him. 

“Whatever, dude,” Gordon said, nodding towards the door. “I’m ready to go whenever you are. Benrey said goodbye to Tommy, and soon the two were off. 

Benrey never understood the appeal of cars. Like most human transportation, it moved much slower than they could move on their own. Cars especially were too enclosed for them to fully enjoy. They did appreciate the close proximity to Gordon, though.

“So, where are you wanting to go?” Gordon questioned as he started up the car. Benrey tilted their head at him questioningly. 

“I dunno, man. Last time I went shopping I was zoned the fuck out,” Benrey confessed. “I don’t even remember where I was to be honest.” Gordon didn’t seem even a little put off by this. They assumed he was just getting used to their weird shit. 

“Alright, that’s fine. We’ll just go to that old mall that’s about about half an hour away, if that’s cool with you. I’ve been needing to go shopping too, and there’s lots of stuff there.” Benrey perked up and agreed instantly. The mall was exactly what the WikiHow article suggested!

Ten minutes into the drive and Benrey was starting to get restless. Tommy had always just used his teleportation powers to take Benrey places. This was much less fun. They felt cramped, which was doubly annoying since they didn’t even have the privilege of being big while being confined. Their struggle must’ve been obvious, since Gordon rested his hand on Benrey’s bouncing leg. 

“Hey dude, are you alright?” He asked, not taking his eyes off the road. 

“Uh, I don’t like being all squished in here,” they confessed. Gordon nodded understandingly. “Makes me feel all big even though I’m not even big. Sucks.” 

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, we’re about halfway there,” Gordon assured them, moving his hand back to the wheel. They tried not to mourn the loss too much. 

They fell into a slightly uncomfortable silence.

“Yoo, what did Tommy say to you earlier, anyways? You looked all freaked out,” Benrey said, just as they were turning into the parking lot. Gordon didn’t respond for a moment as he scanned for an empty parking space. 

“Bro?” Benrey tried again. Gordon shook his head.

“Nothing important, dude. He just… Wanted to make sure I wouldn’t hurt you again,” Gordon said, looking embarrassed. Benrey frowned. Gordon hurting them that one time had clearly been an accident, and aside from that Gordon hadn’t actually hurt them since Black Mesa. Tommy was weird, but it felt oddly nice to know he was looking out for them. 

Gordon parked the car and Benrey wasted no time jumping out. They double checked that they had the card Tommy had given them (they did) and immediately began to shake out their legs and hands to get more comfortable. They hated car rides.

Gordon chuckled when he spotted them. “Come on, let’s go inside,” he said, grabbing Benrey’s hand and guiding them towards the door. Benrey’s brain went to static. Gordon was actually seriously holding their hand. Holy shit. 

They were so focused on the hand-holding that they didn’t notice that they were inside until the dry, oppressive heat of New Mexico had been replaced by the chill of the air conditioner inside the building. They snapped out of their gay trance and looked around. 

There weren’t many people around, which was a relief. There were dozens of tiny little stores all throughout, each with its own completely different sights and scents. Benrey had only ever seen places like this in video games and movies, and it was much less overwhelming through a screen than it was in person. They were glad Gordon was there. 

“Are you good, man?” Gordon asked, seemingly noticing Benrey’s struggles. Benrey shrugged, feeling a little disoriented. Did every single store  _ really _ have to be playing different music at once? 

“Lots of um,” they smacked their lips, gripping Gordon’s hand tighter, “Sharp sounds. Shit music.” Gordon nodded, seeming to understand. 

“What kind’ve phone do you have?” Gordon asked. Benrey pulled their phone out, showing that it was some type of Android phone. They didn’t really know why it was important. He walked over to one of the many benches and gestured for Benrey to sit down, letting go of their hand.

“Here, sit down for a second, I’ll be right back,” Gordon instructed, leaving no room for discussion. Benrey felt a twinge of unease when Gordon hurried away, leaving them alone. They sat down on the bench and began to mess with their phone, hoping to find something to distract them. 

They had a message from Tommy, but it was just him asking Benrey if they were okay. Not wanting to worry him, they responded with a simple thumbs up emoji. After about three minutes, Gordon startled them out of their daze by dropping a small package into their lap. They picked it up, confused. Earbuds? They looked up at Gordon questioningly. 

“You can listen to your own music instead, and it’ll block everything out. Don’t worry, I’ll speak up so you can still hear me talk,” Gordon said. Benrey eviscerated the plastic packaging with their claws and connected the cord to their phone. They slipped the earbuds into their ears under their beanie and put on some nice, comfortable tunes. It was just a playlist of their favorite soundtracks from video games, but it was their most listened-to playlist. Gordon was right. The familiar music tuned everything overwhelming out. 

“Can you still hear me?” Gordon asked. He was a little muffled, since Benrey had “His Theme” from Undertale blaring in their ears, but they could still understand them. 

“Yeah dude, this is epic,” Benrey said, unsure of how exactly to thank him. Gordon gave them a soft smile and threw away the trash in a nearby recycling bin. Benrey cautiously took his hand once again, and Gordon guided them to a nearby shop. 

“I don’t know what type of clothes you’re looking for. Is there anything specific?” Gordon asked, nudging Benrey lightly. Benrey shrugged. 

“Yeah, um. I can only wear soft things. If it’s not soft it’s fucking cringe,” Benrey said. Gordon laughed, but it was hard to hear through the music. Gordon nodded. 

“Do you like masculine or feminine clothes?” He asked, smiling encouragingly. Benrey blinked in confusion. They knew what he meant, of course, but they hadn’t actually thought of it much. Was there really that big of a difference? Humans were weird. Gordon seemed to take his confusion in stride, and added, “It’s okay if you don’t have a preference, dude, we’ll figure it out as we go.” 

And so the two browsed from store to store, picking up a few random articles of clothing from each. Gordon insisted on carrying all of Benrey’s bags, despite the fact that they were infinitely powerful and would have way less trouble carrying several bags than Gordon’s mortal body. It was sweet, though.

  
They were just about to leave, when they caught sight of a soft, flow-y blue skirt. They approached it cautiously, and ran their hands down the fabric. It was even softer than it looked. They nibbled at their lip, worrying their skin with their sharp fangs. They hadn’t ever actually worn something as pretty as this. They normally dressed very casually. 

Gordon approached from behind them, nudging them gently to catch their attention. 

“That’s pretty, do you want it?” He asked, picking it up from where it was hanging despite the fact that his arms were already full from the bags. Benrey shrugged. 

“I don’t know how it’d look on me, though,” They admitted. Gordon waved towards the dressing rooms. 

“Go try it on. I’m sure it’ll look great,” Gordon encouraged. Benrey felt warm and fluttery at that, and took the skirt.

They didn’t like the dressing room very much. It was small and bright and overall not very nice, and they had to take out their earbuds to change out of their shorts.. After removing their shorts and shoes, they slid on the skirt. It felt really nice, actually. Soft. It was a little short, and ended well above their knee, but it was… Nice. They liked it a lot, actually. They peeked outside of the dressing room and called for Gordon. 

“Do you, um, like it?” They asked, opening the door a little so Gordon could see. Gordon blinked at them in surprise, staring at the skirt. They felt a little self-conscious under his heavy gaze, and they noted how his cheeks turned a little pink. Was that a good sign?

“You look really good, dude. It’s pretty,” Gordon said, finally looking away from the skirt and making eye contact. Benrey let out a soft hum, but managed to keep from actually producing Sweet Voice. They closed the door so that they’d be isolated and flapped their hands, bouncing a little. 

They ended up buying the skirt. 

After that, the two returned to Gordon’s car, depositing Benrey’s clothing into the backseat to Gordon’s obvious relief. The man had indents on his arms from where the bags had dug into his skin, and Benrey made a point of singing soft green and teal lights onto his skin (green and teal means “Heal.” They didn’t use it as often as they should). Since he wasn’t actually injured, it didn’t do much aside from make the irritated indents smooth out.

“Have I ever told you that your singing is beautiful?” Gordon asked, causing Benrey to stutter in their singing and stop. 

“Um, yeah, you did say it a few times in Black Mesa,” Benrey mumbled, picking at their shirt self-consciously. It was a really intimate thing, to compliment someone’s singing. At least, it was to Benrey. They weren’t sure how it was for humans. 

They stood there in silence for a few moments, leaning against the burning hot car. It felt good to Benrey, but Gordon seemed a little uncomfortable in the heat. Fragile humans. The sun was getting low in the sky, and Benrey abruptly remembered that Gordon didn’t like the dark. 

“We should go,” Benrey said, and Gordon seemed startled out of his thoughts. He glanced at the sky and grimaced. 

“Uh, yeah, we should, thanks,” Gordon said, walking around to the other side of the car and getting in. Benrey got in beside him, and the two were off. The ride back was comfortably quiet. Benrey picked at their headphones the entire time, feeling warm and fuzzy and a little painful inside. 

“Hey, Benrey,” Gordon said, a little awkwardly. Benrey looked up at him curiously. “Would you mind just spending the night at my place? I have a guest bedroom set up. It’s just getting a little late, and…” He trailed off, but Benrey understood. 

“No prob, man. I’ll just call Tommy and tell him,” they said, kicking their feet happily. Gordon hadn’t offered them the guest bedroom any other time they’d stayed the night. He must’ve gotten it ready just for them, in case they wanted to stay over again. They remembered their earlier thoughts of cuddling Gordon after shopping and had to repress their desire to sing.

Benrey made a good choice, because the sun was properly beginning to set by the time they pulled into Gordon’s place. Benrey urged Gordon to just go inside, since he seemed nervous, and easily carried all of their clothes in alone. 

Gordon showed them the spare room. He’d apparently cleaned it yesterday while talking to Benrey, since he needed to clean it up anyways. It was small and a little cramped, and still had piles of stuff that had been pushed in here for storage, but the room felt much nicer when Benrey opened the window. 

The bed was just a mattress on the floor, but it would be comfortable enough. 

Gordon left them to their own devices, telling them that he was going to order a pizza. Benrey decided to call Tommy, then. They sat down on the mattress and dialed his number. 

“Benrey, hey!” Came Tommy’s cheerful voice, though Benrey could tell he was a little worried. “It’s um, a little late… Will you be back?” 

“Nah, I’m having a sleepover with Gordon tonight. He offered!” Benrey said, kicking their feet. Tommy was silent on the other end for a few moments, and Benrey got the distinct feeling that he was preparing for a serious talk.

“Is-- Are… Alright, Benrey. But you’d um, better tell me if he hurts you or anything! I’m-- He… I’ll kick his ass!” Tommy proclaimed, sounding surprisingly protective. Benrey felt oddly warm at that. Gordon had told them what Tommy had said earlier, but it was different hearing it from the man himself. 

Tommy continued, though. “And Benrey? Please, um, don’t hurt him either? I know you’ve been talking to him about those things, but…” Tommy trailed off, and Benrey made a sound of understanding. 

Tommy was a wonderful friend to both Benrey and Gordon, and if things went sour, then he’d be forced to choose a side like he’d done back in Black Mesa, and that would only end with hurt feelings all around.

Benrey hoped, in the event that something bad happened, Tommy wouldn’t choose Gordon’s side over their own again. Unless they were being the bad guy again and not realizing it. They were trying really hard not to be the bad guy anymore. They didn’t think they could handle that again.

After that, they chatted about more lighthearted things for a few minutes. Tommy asked Benrey about what they got, and they eagerly told him about all of the soft and nice clothes they’d gotten. They were interrupted by Gordon coming into the room and telling them that the pizza was there. Benrey said their farewells to Tommy and followed him into the kitchen where the food was.

After dinner, Gordon was sleepy. He pulled Benrey into a tight hug before slipping off to bed, leaving them feeling both confused and giddy. No cuddles, but they were just as content anyways. 

They sang softly to themself for the rest of the night, in the small room Gordon had provided for them. They were glad for yet another successful step. They hadn’t felt this genuinely happy in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are hella appreciated.


	9. Tell Him You're Interested!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)
> 
> check for warnings in the end

**_“Tell him you're interested._ ** _At the end of the day, there's only so much waiting around and hoping you can do. Sometimes your best bet is to tell the guy straight out that you're interested and ask him if he feels the same. Whatever his response is, at least things will be out in the open and you can either move forward with the relationship or move on._

_-Don't believe the hype about guys having to ask girls out. In reality, guys love strong, confident women who know what they want. In fact, just the fact that you had the courage to ask might be enough to impress the guy and make him say yes._

_-Never get someone else to ask a guy out for you. It is immature and will increase the chances of the guy saying no. Even if you're too shy to ask him to his face, a text message or handwritten note will be much more effective than the ‘send a friend’ method.”_

This was the big day, Benrey realized. They’d have to finally step up and actually tell Gordon how they felt. 

They wondered if it was normal to feel this worried about things. Gordon had turned him down several times back when they were going through Black Mesa, but that had been different. Benrey was a lot closer to Gordon now, and they were a bit worried about asking too early and seriously fucking things up between them. 

They strutted around the small, cramped room, feeling excited underneath the roiling anxiety. According to the guide (they’d read ahead) this wasn’t a completely guaranteed way of getting Gordon to want to date them. Apparently, it was entirely possible that Gordon would _never_ be interested in them. The thought admittedly left them feeling a little shaken. 

Still. They dressed their best in their new clothes, wearing a soft shirt that showed their belly and the pretty skirt they’d bought the day before. They didn’t bring their makeup with them, but they were still wearing the makeup from the previous day. It was a little more smudged, now, but it was fine.

All of their planning left their mind the moment they walked out of the room and caught sight of Gordon sitting on the couch playing a video game. His hair was down, and looked extra soft. He was only wearing a t-shirt and boxers, but in the warm morning light Benrey thought he was the most beautiful thing they’d ever seen. 

“Hey Benrey, didn’t know for sure when you’d be up. I made pancakes earlier, but I didn’t tell you since I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be bothered,” Gordon said, smiling casually. He looked relaxed. The usual bags under his eyes weren’t as prominent as usual, and his general aura of anxiety was gone. It was… Nice. Everything about the scene was nice. It hurt, strangely, but in a good way. 

“I forgot to tell you, but I got a new game recently. Wanna check it out?” Gordon asked, pausing whatever game it was that he’d been playing. Benrey took their spot on the couch as they mostly ignored what Gordon was saying, too focused on their inner turmoil to think about playing games. 

When should they do it? Should they hang out with him first, to try to get more comfortable? Or should they ask him early on to get it over with?

What if they asked him early and it made the rest of the day awkward? What if they decided to ask later and they chickened out and never ended up doing it? They forced those anxieties down when they heard Gordon questioning them.

“Are you okay, dude? You seem a little out of it,” Gordon leaned in closer to look them over, his pretty green eyes filled with concern. They swallowed heavily and nodded. 

“Yeah bro. Pogchamp. What game was it?” Benrey said, trying to change the subject. Gordon frowned at him, but picked up an extra Xbox One controller that was sitting on the coffee table and passed it to Benrey. 

“It’s called Borderlands 2, I’ve only played it a little. It’s fun,” He said. Benrey nodded, taking the controller. It fit uncomfortably in their hands, since they were much more used to the slimmer PlayStation controllers. 

“Fucking… Got an Xbone? Cringe. PlayStation’s better,” Benrey said, baring their teeth in a grin. Gordon rolled his eyes, but his smile returned to his face. Benrey really liked that smile.

The two settled in, and Benrey felt their anxieties melt away as they fell into the comforting familiarity of playing a fun game. About two hours or so into the game, Gordon decided they needed to take a break. Again, totally not an epic gamer like Benrey, but whatever.

He got up to retrieve drinks and snacks, and Benrey immediately fell right back into worrying over how they were going to confess. 

When Gordon sat back down beside them, he offered Benrey a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, which were Benrey’s favorite. He had a small ice cream sandwich for himself. Benrey froze like a deer in headlights for a few moments, overwhelmed at the sign of affection, before blurting out, “I like you.” Real smooth. 

Gordon blinked for a few moments, pulling the chips back with an expression of confusion. 

“Dude, what?” Gordon asked. Benrey buried their face in their hands, embarrassed. Fuck. They were _so_ cringe.

“I uh… Like you too?” Gordon said. “We’re friends and all…” He trailed off, before suddenly realizing. “Oh shit, you mean like, romantically?” 

Benrey felt the urge to just. Vanish into the floor. They very much had the ability to do so. Just as they had made up their mind to do it, though, Gordon gently rested a hand on their shoulder. They looked up to see him smiling, a comfortingly warm expression on his face.

“Hey, hey… It’s okay, Benrey,” Gordon said, his voice softening. Benrey was pretty sure it wasn’t okay. This hadn’t gone to plan at all. They were supposed to be chill and charming, right? 

“Is this why you’ve been acting all…” Gordon gestured vaguely with the hand that wasn’t currently on Benrey’s shoulder. Benrey nodded, rubbing the soft fabric of the skirt they were wearing between their fingers to calm down and be grounded.

“I was um. Following an epic walkthrough on WikiHow. Wanted those results,” They admitted. Gordon chuckled, and the urge to clip through the floor resurfaced stronger than ever. 

“Don’t be a dick, dude. Not my fault humans got all these confusing fucking… Rituals and shit. All these rules that I’m supposed to know…” Benrey tried to defend themself, feeling horribly flustered. “Don’t gotta, uh, rub it in.”

“Hey, no, I wasn’t making fun of you, man. I just thought it was cute,” Gordon said. Benrey blinked in confusion. _Cute_ ? Gordon thought they were _cute_? 

“Look, dude,” Gordon continued. “It’s… I do like you, Benrey. And I’d be open to giving a relationship with you a shot. It’s a little weird. We… Didn’t exactly used to get along. But you’ve been trying recently, and I can tell. It’s really sweet of you, and I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t been catching feelings for you slowly for a while.”

Benrey bit their lips to suppress their urge to sing. 

“Um, definitely, bro. Anything, actually. I really really like you, and I want you to like me too, and wanna be in a relationship. Or whatever,” They confessed, continuing to soothe themself by touching the soft fabric of their skirt.

“So it’s official?” Gordon asked, gently resting his hand on Benrey’s bare knee. “We’re dating?”

“If you want to, then yeah, bro, totally. Epic. Pog.” Benrey asked, trying and failing to maintain eye contact. Gordon continued smiling his stupid pretty smile. Benrey felt like they were going to burst. The ache in their chest hadn’t gotten any better. In fact, it was much, much worse.

“I mean, we should discuss a few things… Relationship boundaries and that shit. But that can be saved for later,” Gordon said easily, as if it were that easy. As if Benrey hadn’t been stupidly in love with him for months. 

“So like…” Benrey trailed off, a bit nervous. “Can I kiss you? Like legit?” They were already so close to Gordon’s face, and they could feel his soft, warm puffs of breath against their skin. Gordon leaned in and kissed them on the nose, and Benrey felt something happy churn inside of them. 

“Noooo, bro, I mean like…” They made a gross smooching sound, “On the mouth, yaknow? Or is that too much?” They shifted, making brief eye contact before averting their gaze again. Gordon chuckled and pulled them close, pressing his lips to theirs as an answer.

Benrey immediately let out a stream of pink-to-dove, and Gordon lurched away, coughing as the liquid light choked him. Benrey felt immediate mortification and pulled their hat down over their eyes, as though that would block out the debilitating embarrassment they were feeling for practically spitting into their crush’s mouth. 

They must’ve zoned out completely, because they were suddenly brought out of their thoughts by warm hands on their face, and felt their hat being pulled off, freeing their eyes as well as their hair and antennae. Gordon was looking at them, his cheeks pink and expression unmistakably fond. 

“I, um… Did the Sweet Voice like… Fuck with your emotions at all?” Benrey asked, picking at their nails and nervously averting their eyes. That was their biggest worry, honestly. They didn’t have much experience with how their Sweet Voice affected others, but that one’s specific effect would be obvious. Gordon shook his head.

“No. What would it have done?” Gordon asked, licking his lips to taste the remaining glowing residue up. Benrey felt a little weird, seeing that.  
  
“Made you feel all gushy at me and all kinda cringe shit,” They said, trying really hard not to stare at his pretty mouth.

“Oh. Well I already felt ‘gushy and cringe’ at you, so…” He closed the gap between them once more, and this time, Benrey was able to control themselves throughout the kiss. Too soon, Gordon pulled away, instead gently rested his forehead against Benrey’s. He ran his fingers through Benrey’s hair, carefully avoiding their antennae. It was only now really setting in. He liked them! Romantically!

Benrey closed their eyes and savored the moment. If they had a heart, it would be beating out of their chest as Gordon continued to hold them close. Despite their constant fantasizing, they didn’t think that they could actually get here. They kissed him once again, loving the feeling of his stupid beard against their face. 

They could do this as much as they wanted, they realized giddily, burying their face in his neck and just appreciating his warmth. They really wanted to slip out of their mortal facade and completely embrace him, but they didn’t. They wouldn’t. They would never frighten him again, if they could help it.

Eventually, Gordon pulled away from them completely, leaving them feeling a little cold, but still giddy to the point where they couldn’t stop lightly bouncing up and down. 

The way that Gordon looked at them was so soft that it burned. “We can’t just cuddle forever,” Gordon said. “I don’t want my ice cream to melt.” Benrey snorted, but retrieved the chips Gordon had offered them previously and leaned up against him as he ate his small, partially melted ice cream sandwich. The dull pain in their chest had bloomed to a comfortable aching warmth that threatened to consume them, but in the most gentle way. 

Requited feelings were a hell of a lot better than unrequited ones, they were finding. They made a mental note to leave a positive review on the WikiHow article. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -2nd hand embarrassment (lmao)  
> -implication that benreys sweet voice can be used as a "love potion" (its not used that way here)
> 
> this is the last real chapter! the next ones mostly just an epilogue. 
> 
> so! tell me what you guys thought. liked it? anything i coudlve done better/ you wish i explored more? honestly this entire fic was 99% me projecting onto benrey, im surprised so many people liked it.


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read end notes for warnings

Gordon was slowly realizing that, despite everything he’d been through, he felt safe around Benrey. 

That wasn’t to say that they weren’t terrifying, of course. But after months of dating, even the tiniest scrap of lingering fear around them had faded completely. His nightmares about them shifted, with them no longer being the aggressor, but his protector instead. It was so strange, looking back on his past self’s view on Benrey, compared to now. 

Gordon had been scared of them the moment they’d met back in Black Mesa. Their strange look and demeanor, combined with their even stranger words and actions, had been incredibly off-putting. Something about them was just inherently  _ wrong _ in a way that Gordon could never exactly place, at the time. 

Sometimes he’d caught their form warping out of the corner of his eyes. Their limbs too numerous to count, their eyes wide and spreading far beyond their limited mortal form, their form radiating both heat and chill in equal measures, all combined with gnashing teeth and bared claws. They could be so _ loud _ even when not actually making a sound. A deep roar that was felt rather than heard.

It wasn’t until much later that Gordon had realized to what extent Benrey wasn’t human. They were beyond his comprehension, and that had made him afraid. It was understandable that Gordon had been scared, he assured himself. Despite Benrey being immortal and entirely unphased by the entire thing, Gordon still felt lingering guilt over killing them. He had to remind himself that he had been scared, and had a good reason to be scared. But it still hurt a little, to think about. 

They hadn’t wanted to fight, they’d insisted. Gordon had forced their hand, in a way. Gordon wasn’t sure if he’d ever truly forgive himself for that, but that was just one point on the long grocery list of baggage that came with their relationship.

They’d actually talked about that night, just a few weeks into their relationship. It had been weighing on his mind, so Gordon had apologized. Benrey confessed that it had hurt their feelings, a little, but that they didn’t hold it against him at all. Then they’d kissed. A lot. That was a nice night. 

Over time, Gordon had slowly begun to understand them in a way he’d been too afraid and stubborn to back when they’d first met. He realized that Benrey genuinely didn’t know how to act human, and had no point of reference for how flimsy humans were when compared to them and their fellow inhuman friends. 

Still. Gordon didn’t become fully aware of this fact until he was back home, away from the trauma at Black Mesa. Benrey was still terrifying, of course. They were unpredictable, and seemingly didn’t understand the full consequences of their actions even now. But they were trying. Both of them were trying to understand each other, and it was working. 

Despite all of their power and immortality, they were attached to him. Gordon had resented it at first, but now he understood that it was just Benrey’s inability to socialize combined with an apparently _ massive _ crush. It was painfully endearing, now that Gordon knew what was going on. He didn’t think that he’d ever let go of the fact that Benrey apparently just followed a WikiHow article in order to ask him out. 

He mused over these topics as he was lying awake in bed, with Benrey lying just as awake next to him, letting out occasional content sighs and nuzzling into Gordon’s chest. Cute. They’d been sleeping together (literally- mostly) for a while now, especially after Gordon found out how tactile Benrey actually was. He was a pretty touchy-feely person too, so it worked out nicely, that Benrey loved to be cuddled and kissed. 

They were objectively still scary, of course, no matter Gordon’s feelings for them. They were still an immortal eldritch being. They’d still hurt Gordon in the past, though he no longer held any resentment over that. They were still, objectively, a monster. It was hard to think of them as such, though. Especially when he was barely even scared of their true form anymore, despite his lingering trauma. 

“Are you still awake, cringelord?” Benrey asked softly, pulling away a little so that they could look Gordon in the face. In the warm light of the bedside lamp, their bizarre, inhuman facial features were soft and they looked almost sleepy despite their inability to feel tired. 

Gordon didn’t answer, and instead reached out, stroking their cheek gently. Their lips settled strangely over their fangs, which were too big for their mouth. Their catlike eyes drooped, and that combined with the dark circles underneath made them look eternally tired. A part of Gordon knew that, from a conventional standpoint, Benrey really wasn’t all that pretty. They were, after all, just a vaguely insectoid creature beyond comprehension wearing a rough estimate of what a human should look like.

But the way their eyes lit up when he touched them, and how their little antennae straightened in excitement as they leaned into his hand made them the most beautiful thing in the world to Gordon. They sang out in their beautiful voice, letting out warm lights that Gordon now knew translated to “I’m in love.” He could listen to them sing for hours, especially about such sweet things as that.

“I’m just thinking about you,” Gordon admitted sleepily, running his fingers through Benrey’s oddly textured hair. Benrey let out a happy hum, wiggling and kicking their feet in a way that Gordon knew meant that they were overwhelmingly happy. He pulled them closer, wrapping his arms around them. They were chilly; barely above room temperature, but they were still wonderful to cuddle. 

In the morning, he’d have to go to therapy and go shopping and a million other things. But he also knew he’d come back to find Benrey happy and waiting for him, probably playing video games. They’d kiss and cuddle and be “cringe,” in Benrey’s words.

Gordon’s life wasn’t perfect by any means. His nightmares still plagued him, and he still had to cope with his PTSD and general anxiety, but he was happy, and that was all that mattered to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> -body horror  
> -canon typical benrey being fucked up  
> -open talk about trauma and its lingering effects
> 
> wow. gordon POV momence. this is officially the end! tell me what you thought of this whole mess <3
> 
> if you wanna reach out to me, im always open to new friends! my main acc on tumblr is bro-im-looking, my art sideblog is thehazydays, and my discord is Joe Spooky#7035 . best way to reach me is thru discord :>

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to Reb, my beta reader :>


End file.
